I remember being told, during a Saturday stint in comedy defensive driving, that it was physically impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. I have no idea if this fact is true or not, but I can attest to the fact that it is impossible for Daisy to sneeze her eyes open, even when she is trying to navigate Week-of-Christmas Traffic at the mall.

Have you seen these people drive? The ones who are all cracked out on gingersnap samples and Chick-fil-A lemonade.

O.k., fine, I may have been guilty of partaking, quite liberally, of the lemonade, but I have an excuse: I needed the vitamin C to fight off my most recent case of Holiday Malaria. We are talking a landfill of Kleenex and a truckload of Sudafed. My sinuses feel like an overinflated balloon animal. All puffy and tied up in knots.

It was in this weakened state that I headed out Monday for 6 long hours of Christmas shopping.

Now, I admit to occasionally practicing the fine art of procrastination, but I honestly was down to my last 4 presents when I headed out Monday morning. The whole trip should have taken 2 hours, 3 tops. Then my cell phone began to ring, and I found myself in the very familiar situation of becoming my family's designated shopper.

First there was the request from Mom: could I go to Target to look for the ballerina princess piggy bank for her to give Favorite Youngest Niece. Sure. No problem. I will make a second trip to Target to look for said swine.

Then there was call number one from Big Sis: could I look for slouchy sweater slippers for her stepdaughter...who wears a ladies size 10! Not a common size, but common enough to be sold out in the color she wanted...at two Targets.

Then there was call number two from Big Sis: could I stop in Marshall's to by undershirts for Brother-in-Law. Undershirts are just a hair's breadth away from underwear, but knowing she lives an hour from the closest mall, I figured I'd help a Big Sis out, so off I go to Marshall's, where I have to stand in line behind 4 teenage girls who had decided to by frames for everyone on their Christmas list. And then had decided to change their minds about the frames repeatedly while waiting in the checkout line.

Needless to say, after 6 hours, I was pooped, so I headed home, switched to Actifed, and fell asleep on the couch.

Today? Today I finished buying all but one present, and I even managed to make a grocery store run to buy what I needed to try to make sweet potatoes on Christmas day.

Tomorrow I will sleep late. I will not answer the phone. I will not get out of my pajamas. I will not push a basket, swipe my credit card, or request a gift receipt from anyone.

I am on vacation.