When I finally become Supreme Daisy of the Universe, my first order of business will be to outlaw alarm clocks.


Now, I know many people out there are shaking their heads and thinking of the current violence in the Middle East, famine in Africa, the plight of homeless children, and the myriad of diseases that for which the world desperately needs cures. But I am telling you, alarm clocks have got to be the first order of business if any good is ever to come out of this world.


You see, all of those other issues? They require thought. And empathy. And creativity. And the general desire to do good. None of these is possible when one is jolted awake mid-dream by the cursed alarm clock contraption.

The human mind and the human body require sleep. Millions of years of evolution have tweaked the circadian rhythm to insure optimum performance. And yet? Modern man has decided to chuck it all in favor of some backlit LED display with a snooze button that most definitely results in the loss of that all important gray matter housed in our little skulls.

And I don't think it makes a difference if you are forcefully pulled from your pleasant slumber by an obnoxious beep, or Steve Inskeep's Morning Edition croon, or the oinking of digital pigs a la Laurali Gilmore. Anything that usurps your body's own control over when it decides it is time to start the day must be deemed evil, and these devices must be annihilated.

Trust me on this. Blow up the alarm clocks, and world peace won't be far behind.



*Image stolen from Happylists.wordpress.com, and I have no idea where they got it from.